Got my LSAT score back, met the upper end of my expectations, a reminder of God’s grace.
Applying now, and it’s very evident that anxiety is a problem of the heart and not of circumstances, as despite my numbers, I’m feeling nervous rather than grateful.
The whole process has been a reminder of how good it is to be a Christian, I can’t imagine the level of stress one must have if they don’t have a sovereign God.
when I hung out with old high school friends and they all had iPhones.
Relient K – Deathbed – powerful, moving, and epic.
So it’s been over a year since I graduated college and tried to find my way in the world, here are some quick thoughts:
1. I miss independence and living with roommates.
2. 90% of my friends are in Norcal…FREAK
3. Getting adjusted to a new church takes a long time, can’t believe we moved churches so much when I was a kid.
4. Even after the big hoopla I made about the Gospel, it’s all up in my head, real change is slow.
5. I need to get married, I don’t want to be last, but everyone’s ahead…DOUBLE FREAK.
6. Weariness is tempting, especially for cynics like me. But Christ is about rest, hope, and growth–all antithetical to weariness.
7. The real world makes me sympathetic towards worldly and struggling Christians…it ain’t easy folks.
8. We don’t understand the first thing about grace, from God and towards others. God shows us infinite grace and we show people just about a couple drops.
9. Nothing beats a good novel.
10. People don’t grow out of Asian Christian girl-guy awkwardness–they just get old and awkward.
11. UCLA is full of ambitious, driven overachievers, regardless of ethnicity, religion, or whatever category you can think of, don’t think you’re excluded. Slackers at UCLA far surpass top students are other colleges in terms of ambition.
12. People expecting you to know what to do with your life after college is often unrealistic and definitely not helpful. You’ll rarely know if you like something unless you try it out (fortunately and unfortunately?).
13. I can say honestly, this past year has been rough in many various and unexpected ways. I don’t know what people are thinking and I probably shouldn’t care, but I bet people think I’ve wandered or had my passion snuffed out or I’m loving the world, and maybe they’re right, but this I know: God gonna finish this work in me, he won’t forsake me, and I’m thankful that he’s shown me grace because I know I don’t deserve it.
I think everyone gets disillusioned with everything. Yeah, that’s quite a generalization, but it makes sense. We get disillusioned because we expect to find meaning or lasting pleasure or fulfillment or all of the above in the things we get passionate about.
I think this past year, I’ve been pretty disillusioned about Christianity and the church and people excited for God. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy singing songs on Sunday and hearing sermons centered on God’s Word. But all the rest of the stuff that surrounds it is just. so. fake.
Like I see someone post some Christian quote as their Facebook status and a flurry of people “like” it and say all the typical trite Christian platitudes, “So encouraging, PTL!” Are you saying that because you’ve genuinely been encouraged or because everyone’s been commenting and you gotta get a piece of the action? Or the endless Christian debates about what’s the right way to date….or covenant vs. dispensationalism…I mean who are you going to convince…and who is impressed. The girl you like is probably going to go for the athletic white guy, not the Asian theology nerd.
Or how about when people speak in their “holy” voice. Everyone does it, myself included. When you are trying to say something profound or “godly”, your voice drops a little and takes on a more hushed, reverent tone, you furrow your brow, look slightly to the left and down, while slowly raising your head occasionally to regard your enraptured listeners as wisdom flows forth from your mouth.
I guess my gripe is that Christian interactions often smack of insincerity, trying to appear a certain way, posturing, jostling for reputation, and ultimately position, control, and power in the church. The sad truth is: anyone who is too real in the church will never be a leader in the church. It’s a game, and I’m tired of playing of it.
Wow, do I sound a little bitter? But as I was reminded recently, the other alternative isn’t much better, in fact, it’s worse. What’s the other alternative? The world. If you don’t play the Christian game, you can embrace the world. And having been in the world a lot more this year, especially during business trips when we go to bars, check out the “scenery” (as my co-worker puts it), and watch them get drunk–it really isn’t much better.
Is clubbing on the weekends, hanging out in lounges, having sex, really any better? Is it at least more real? I’d say not. People of the world are just as fake as people of the church. We gossip about our co-workers and then put on the smile when they’re present. And let’s say we’re bashing someone or the firm, “being real” someone might say. What if another employee really likes that person or likes working for the firm? Well he has to be fake or else he’ll be ostracized. It’s all a game.
Even being real can be fake. However you define yourself, you will always need to fake it occasionally in order to maintain your reputation. An easier example to understand is being godly. Let’s say your friend just acted in a play and did an absolutely horrendous job and the play was just crap. Your every inclination is to tell him afterwards, “That sucked and you sucked.” But of course you put on your little fake smile and say something encouraging when you’re really insulting him and laughing at him in your heart. (God bless the people who can say something nice sincerely, I’m definitely not sanctified enough yet.)
But the opposite example is let’s say you really were encouraged by something someone said or did, and you have a chance to say something “godly” sincerely. But instead you say something stupid or crack a joke because you have a “real” reputation to uphold. God forbid that people think you respectable, cause then you ain’t “real” no mo. That’s fake too. Everyone fakes it. Everything is a game.
Can you not play the game? I would reckon to say it’s impossible. And if you think you don’t the play the game, take a long honest look at yourself. You do. Trust me you do. It’s just a result of our sin, and only in eternity will we finally be able to be completely real.
I’m still debating whether the church game is better than the world’’s game. I’m inclined to think it is, better that people write PTL to each other’s facebook statuses than getting drunk at a bar?
Alright enough from the bitter bottle today. I’ll write something encouraging next time, remember to comment with “PTL!” afterwards.
Situation 1
Dad: David, I noticed the bread in the refrigerator is not being eaten as quickly as normal. Are you eating an appropriate amount of carbohydrates every day?
‘
Situation 2
I’m filling up a pot with water to boil some eggs and my dad is standing next to me.
Dad (surreptitiously leaning over to look at the pot’s water level): Too much water. It’s covering the eggs by a couple of inches, it should really only come up to about 2/3rds of the egg.
”
Situation 3
I had just pan-fried some chicken.
Dad (peering into the bowl I had seasoned my chicken in): What’s this white stuff at the bottom of the bowl?
Me: Cocaine
By the way, it was salt.
On 23
and getting older and thinking
not everyone gets this chance
lives lost in infancy and car accidents
genetic disorders and gang murders
On 23
and getting older and thinking
about my 17th when
mom had cancer and i was pouting
cause i felt forgotten, and rotten
that night when it struck me
me was the problem
self was my focus
On 23
and getting older and thinking
how meandering my life is
looking, unfulfilled desires
and tangled wires, strands of possibilities
ministry law school uncertainty
stretching off into the horizon
On 23
and getting older and thinking
the world is no profit
if its my soul im losing
yet to find what im searching
i must be losing
me not in part but wholly
On 23
and getting older and thinking
and praying preserve me
and keep me
and let my desire be singly
heart soul mind love ever swelling
towards you
and my neighbors
On 23
and getting older and thinking
birthdays are just another day
another day to live, worship
and be forgotten
This is surprisingly true, I just look at my church. http://www.slate.com/?id=2188684
Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to the cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress;
Helpless look to Thee for grace;
Foul, I to the fountain fly;
Wash me, Savior, or I die.
My dad isn’t tall but he has that swagger
Not the Napoleonic hubris of being short,
But self-confidence in who he is
Poor artist and single father.
‘
I cling to his white shirt loosely
Draping over his lean tanned body
Which often brings strange women over
And I hear the sounds of their wrestling.
Those nights I sit very still in bed
Upright, eyes open
Staring at my closed door and wondering.
‘
He carries me through the crowded room
Noise, bustle, heat of summer packed in bodies
Smell of ramen plunged in thick pork broth,
Earthy tones of lightly sweetened barley tea,
Zip-zapping my senses, firing the synapses.
‘
I lean against his unshaven cheek,
Inching under the shade of his straw fedora
But he sets me down to order our meal
“One large miso ramen and two soy sauce eggs”
He fires off in smooth Japanese, the cashier
Catches his eye for moment–she’s female of course.
‘
I toddle after him, and the veins that wrap
From inside his calves to the outside of his ankles
I often poke them in fascination
On those warm nights when I’m crawling
And he’s sitting quietly on the floor,
Back against the couch,
Beer in hand, the glow of the TV
Reflected in dark eyes.
‘
I pass by a table of brother and sister
The girl stares at me and smiles
The boy has been staring at my dad
But then shifts to me
I boldly meet his gaze
His eyes drink in my life and they imagine.
